Earlier this month, The Conflict Center participated in our final activity as part of the "Inclusiveness Project" with the Denver Foundation.  In 2010, The Conflict Center and nine other local nonprofits were funded by the Denver Foundation to participate in a two-year “Learning Community" designed to help our organizations become more ethnically and racially diverse and inclusive.  In addition to focusing on ethnic and racial dynamics, the Conflict Center also considered issues of gender and sexual identity. 

While recognizing that creating a fully inclusive workplace is an ever-ongoing process, we are proud of the significant steps forward our organization has taken over the past two years:

• We established a Committee to guide the work of this project that was comprised of staff, board members and volunteers.

• The Committee hired a consultant to help guide the effort and to provide training for staff and the board.

• The Committee has identified key indicators to measure our efforts to becoming more diverse and inclusive.

• Almost half of our staff members have participated in the national “White Privilege Conference” to examine how the roles of privilege and power work in our national society.

• All staff members (including our training contractors) have received cultural competency training.

• The Board incorporated all the work of the Committee into the strategic plan that will guide our organizational efforts for the next 3-5 years.

• The Board established the Inclusivity Committee as a “standing committee” by amending our by corporate by-laws.  This is currently the only committee (aside from the Executive Committee) that is specifically named in the by-laws.

We know that the work of inclusion will continue.  Immediate next steps include:

• Training specifically designed for the Board of Directors which will be followed by joint trainings with board and staff members.
• Participation of staff members in the Restorative Justice Summit in August to help understand how healing practices can help mitigate the racial and ethnic disparities that we see in the juvenile justice and school discipline arenas.
• Board recruitment efforts to build a board that is more reflective of the racial, ethnic and sexual identity composition of the community that we serve.
• Continued involvement with other nonprofits that have engaged in the inclusiveness efforts of the Denver Foundation so as to continue the broader movement in the Denver area.

In addition to the core funding from the Denver Foundation, we have also received support for this project from the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment, the Sisters of Loretto, the Denver Office of Strategic Partnerships, and the LARRK Foundation.  Consulting services were provided by the Partnership for Families and Children, Cultural Competency Consulting LLC, Community Resource Center, and the Civic Canopy.  Thanks to all these groups for their support.

To learn more about the Inclusiveness Project, visit http://www.nonprofitinclusiveness.org/

Conflict Resolution Month 2012 is off to a fantastic start!!

The initial momentum captured the Senate and House on March 26, 2012 with the passage of Senate Joint Resolution 12-026!!   Sponsors:  Senator Linda Newell, SD 26 and Representative Robert Gardner, HD 21.

That momentum will now travel throughout the State as we engage citizens in every community to think CONFLICT RESOLUTION!!    To this end, various communities and organizations will be sponsoring events in October that generate awareness of the resolution of conflict in a non-confrontational & meaningful fashion.

We have many volunteers that have obtained Conflict Resolution Proclamations in their municipality, county, college, high school, etc.  in the past.  Each year we add to this burgeoning list of supporters. 

Is YOUR Community supporting Conflict Resolution Month?   Would you be willing to approach your County Commissioner, City Council Member, Mayor, College Dean, etc. and ask them to support October as Conflict Resolution Month?

For more information you can visit the web site at:   http://www.conflictresolutionmonth.org .  Conflict Resolution Month is also on FaceBook – Become a Friend!  You can contact Mary Bediz at marybediz@comcast.net or Rita Hyland at Rita@RitaHylandConsulting.com for further details and to volunteer.   We stand ready to assist you in your endeavor.  We can provide you with templates and sample Proclamations for your respective municipality, county or college.

Thank you and let’s make this year a Banner Year for Conflict Resolution Month!!

Left to right: Front row: Veronica Cacon, Office of Dispute Resolution; Colorado Senator Linda Newell, District 26; Rita Hyland, Rita Hyland Consulting;

Middle row: Mike Maday, Mediation Association of Colorado; Lucia Lamprey and Greg Whitehair, ADR Section, Colorado Bar Association; Mary Zinn, Zinn Mediation Associates;

Back row: Willaim Hopkins, RE/MAX Alliance; Rebecca Zohoori, Colorado Civil Rights Division, Department of Regulatory Agencies; Mary Bediz, Conflict Resolution Month Proclamation Team; Robin Rossenfeld, ADR Section, Colorado Bar Association; Holly Panetta, Office of Dispute Resolution

I instantly go numb whenever I hear someone in an organization explain the necessity of keeping emotions out of the workplace.

Okay, let me back up . . .

Emotions in the workplace are not the culprit.  Mismanaged emotions that get the better of us are instead what damages relationships and curbs an individual and team from progressing to the next level in efficiency.  This is where my pal just mentioned up above makes their statement.  In a sense they have evidence: failed teams, hurt feelings, and broken relationships.  Pretty good empirical evidence.

But, of course, it doesn’t have to be that way.  Many of us lead and work in conflict-savvy organizations where the culture demands straight talk be coupled with emotions in order to gain better insight and creativity in reaching business results.

However, again, not all of us are so lucky.  So, lets take a look on controlling the one variable we know we can ALWAYS control – ourselves.  Lets focus on flexing our “emotional muscle” by practicing self-control when we are triggered.

AUTOMATIC STRESS RESPONSE = LACK OF BUSINESS RESULTS

When someone encounters a challenge or disruption too large for their own resiliency, the person experiences a heightened sense of stress and anxiety.  I’m not talking about the “butterflies in the stomach” type of anxiety.  No.  I’m talking about the temple-rubbing, migraine producing, panic attack, numbing type of anxiety that triggers our automatic survival response of fight, flight, or freeze because we are anticipating reaching a perceived breaking point.  However, the fight, flight, or freeze response rarely puts us on the right path in realizing our business results.

We have a key concept at the Conflict Center:  solve the problem and build the relationship.  All of us can be leaders by demonstrating this at work.  We can make sure people know the clear path to success. You must know what that path looks like so those around you have a clear path in how to solve their daily problems.  Equally important, however, you must also stay connected to your employees and/or coworkers.  Relationships that lack trust also lack efficiency and creative thought – the very traits necessary when things go south.

Leaders in the workplace whose stress and anxiety gets the better of them have transitioned into a reactionary, automatic, knee-jerk state, and lose their ability to be creative. You know either you or your boss are in that reactionary state when any connection to others starts to get lost.

So, how do we get back to a centered place of creativity and connection, of presence and resourcefulness?

KNOW THYSELF

First, know that conflict, stress, and anxiety are a natural part of life.  These emotions alert us that something is wrong, it’s your clue that something needs to happen!  In fact, we NEED it to happen so we can learn and grow.  We sabotage ourselves and others, however, when we stay in this unproductive state of anxiety and stress.  The ability to stay centered and focused on solving problems and staying connected to your fellow employees in the midst of internal and external forces will help train your “emotional muscle” to develop resilience against ambiguity, reactivity, and a chaotic world.

So, knowing conflict WILL happen and in a sense, welcoming it (yippee! I’m going to learn something new!) is half the solution.  Being prepared to deal with it effectively is the other half.

Therefore, know thyself!  Know where you get hooked, where you are triggered that sends you into a quick mode of reactivity.  Do you know why that is a trigger for you?  Is it the person who is always late to the office?  The person who takes credit for your work?  The person who talks or laughs in a way that annoys you?  The person who always criticizes your ideas and suggestions?  Knowing why something is a trigger for you, isn’t necessarily important but it can give you a little more power over the trigger because you now understand where it comes from.

Now that you know your triggers and hopefully where they come from, now it’s time for a plan.

THINK, SAY, & DO

Okay, what’s our goal, does anyone remember?

While your goals day in and day out may change with what you need to get done, there is always one overarching goal: providing a clear path to success so you can solve problems and stay connected to others in your workplace.

Keeping this goal in mind provides you with a road map for interaction.  If your ultimate goal is to solve problems and build relationships then everything you do will center around that goal.  Therefore, moving from a reactionary mode requires a detailed plan with your goal in mind giving you the ability to better manage conflict and continue to grow your emotional muscle.

Your plan must include what you are going to THINK, SAY, and DO.  What you are going to (1) THINK to yourself, (2) SAY out loud, and (3) physically DO with your body?  Let me give an example.

Most of us get defensive when we are personally attacked, especially in the workplace. However, I noticed that most bosses’ and employees’ defensive responses to personal attacks kept both parties from learning from the situation.  “Well, Nikki,” I said to myself, “how would someone who is trying to solve problems and build relationships actually respond while also trying to preserve their self-respect by not looking like a door-mat?”  Below is the plan I developed.

Nikki’s Plan When She is Personally Attacked in the Workplace

1.   THINK – “Oh boy, okay, that hurt.  Wowzers.  What is this person even saying?  I don’t know right now and that’s okay.  Obviously this person has a need that is not being met.  Can I guess what it is?  They said no feelings in their attack, maybe I can guess their feeling as well.  This is juicy stuff!  Another opportunity for me to test out these hard as hell communication and conflict skills.  What can I be thankful for?  Well, at least they are communicating with me! Better they say something then nothing at all because I know Information is Nourishment.  I need information to grow and make decisions.  Right now this is the best way they know how to say what they have to say, which really sucks.  But you know what Nikki?  You’ve been there before.  Just ignore the put-downs and get to the heart of the matter.  You can discuss the ‘way’ it was brought up way on down the line.  First, they need to be understood.  Only then will they want to understand you.  Is this going to be uncomfortable?  Yup.  Is it more important to stick to my goal of solving problems and staying connected to my employees than easing my own discomfort?  Yup!  Why? . . . . . . Because, what’s worth working at, isn’t always easy.”

2.SAY – What you understand their feelings and needs to be, and then “Tell me more.”

3.DO – Take a deep breath.  Maybe two deep breaths while holding them in my eyes.  Move toward them with an open stance and wide eyes that convey curiosity and an openness to hear what they have to say.  After the conversation I will go for a walk outside to process the event and gain clarity.

Okay, that’s my plan for being personally attacked in the workplace and to be honest, I use the same plan when I think I’m being attacked at home. For those of you who were wondering if I really say all those things after someone hurls a personal attack at me, the answer is yes.  Now, I’ve had the opportunity to practice my plan “in real life” a couple of times and I’ve found that my self-talk becomes more automatic each time.  This is your “emotional muscle memory.”  I’m training my brain to make this my new automatic response that has yielded more creativity and better relationships than my previous reaction of shutting down and calling the person an “expletive of my choice inserted here.”

For those of you up to speed on your communication skills you’ll see that step two is utilizing Active Listening.  That means I’m not going to make this about me right now and how hurt I am because it’s obvious to me that the person in front of me could be even more hurt.  My mentor at the Conflict Center, Vickie Samland, Manager of School Programs, told me that Active Listening is what you do when you don’t know what to do.  It’s true!  There is no good way to react to a personal attack without the potential of getting defensive and then missing out on the opportunity to learn.  So, I’m comfortable putting my needs to the side in order to hear what needs this person is not getting met.  

Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t bring up my needs.  Toward the end–when the other person feels heard and they are problem solving with me how the two of us can be a better team–is the more appropriate time to bring up my needs.  I would express the need for connection with my coworkers and how yelling and hurling personal attacks actually weakens my ability to hear them clearly to get their needs met.  And that if I felt that way then maybe others around them have also felt that way.  It’s the perfect opportunity to coach and be a leader—no matter what your job!  Don’t miss out on the opportunities!

For the last step—“DO”—don’t forget your breath.  It gets oxygen to the brain so you can think!  For me, purposefully opening my stance and my eyes will help me combat the subconscious fight response I know my body is used to when I’m personally attacked.  Remember to always write down what you WILL do, not what you WON’T do.  Too often, when folks are trying to change behavior they articulate what they “won’t do.”  They won’t get angry.  They won’t throw their pen across the room.  They won’t narrow their eyes.  Unfortunately, saying what you won’t do doesn’t give you the plan of what to do when you are again triggered.  So you’ll just fall back on old habits.  Instead, think hard of what you will do and put it on paper.

Again, self-control represents one aspect of emotional intelligence. You may want to work on a different trigger, such as being caught by surprise by a change of events or a change in decision that adversely affects you – especially in the workplace!  Whatever the trigger may be, remember:

1.   Identify your ultimate goal. Again, for us at the Conflict Center, it is to solve problems and build relationships.

2.   Identify your triggers.

3.   Make a plan.

4.   Follow your plan.

5.   Make adjustments as necessary once you figure out what works and doesn’t work.

Just keep learning how to flex your emotional muscle of self-control.  Emotions are important windows of opportunity.  If a leader in the workplace can manage their own emotions effectively while also tapping into the feelings of those around them using active listening, then conflict will be managed quicker and more efficiently so we can all get back to generating business results.

Courses taught by the Conflict Center are designed to empower individuals to regulate their own anger, mediate conflicts, and build better relationships with others. One of the most important skills we teach is self-awareness, which provides the basis for enhanced self-control when dealing with conflict.  For example, students in the center’s classes are taught to recognize how their body and emotions change in response to anger–to know their internal "temperature" during heated situations.  Being alert to when you’re losing control in an argument provides a crucial opportunity for individuals to take charge of themselves, begin “cool down” practices, and make healthier decisions.

Psychological research has long demonstrated the link between an individual’s capacity for self-control and the tendency towards aggression.  Those with low self-control during charged confrontations are more likely to react with angry outbursts of verbal, emotional, and/or physical violence.

Last month, three psychologists published a summary of multiple recent studies that provide new insights into the power of self-control.  In the March 2012 edition of "Current Directions in Psychological Science," Dr. Thomas F. Denson and his colleagues wrote that increasing an individual’s ability to self-regulate during non-conflict situations indirectly leads to improved self-control when ultimately facing conflict.

According to Denson, almost everyone prefers to avoid violence.  Even those with a history of aggression would rather not lash out at others.  “It’s not that aggressive people don’t want to control themselves,” he stated. “They just aren’t very good at it.”

This was demonstrated in studies of brain-imaging (MRI) that revealed how even individuals with violent tendencies try to prevent themselves from reacting aggressively.  The same areas of the brain that regulate self-control in others are activated for them during conflicts.  Psychologically, they want to restrain themselves from violent outbursts and struggle to maintain command of their responses.  However, they are more prone to aggression because they cannot keep saying this internalized "no" for long periods of time.  Simply stated, they get quickly exhausted.

Now researchers have found that almost anyone can improve their stamina for self-restraint.  By making the effort to practice small disciplines in everyday life–to take the time to pause and make a conscious decision about how to act–individuals will become better at staying in control in all types of situations from the cool and routine to the heated.

In one experiment demonstrating this principle, subjects were asked to practice using their non-dominant hand for two weeks.  So right handed people had to switch to their left hand for daily activities such as using silverware and brushing their teeth.  Making this switch required participants to repeatedly stop themselves from using their normal hand preference and consciously adjust their behavior.  This practice forced them to develop better self-awareness and self-control.

After two weeks, the experimental group was tested for reactive tendencies for aggression along with a second (control) group that never had to change any hand use.  Results showed that those who had been using their non-dominant hand for the past two weeks were significantly less likely to be stimulated by inflammatory provocations from others.  They remained calmer in the face of insults and taunts, and were more often able to respond without becoming angry.  The increased self-control they had developed from the hand-switching practice apparently improved their ability to self-regulate during conflict as well.

“The most interesting findings that have come out of this is that if you give aggressive people the opportunity to improve their self-control, they’re less aggressive,” Denson concluded. “It’s possible to practice self-control the same way you would practice the piano.”

So if you want to gain better control over your anger, interact more effectively with an annoying coworker or neighbor, or make heathier choices the next time you argue with your partner, parent, or child, it might be useful to adopt some type of simple behavior modification practice into your everday life.  You might try using your non-dominant hand to brush your teeth and use silverware for a few weeks. Or perhaps begin making a conscious decision to sit up straighter while working at a desk or computer.  Maybe start a meditation routine that requires you to sit quietly for several minutes at a time each day.  Denson's research review suggests that adopting any such technique which trains you to pause, think about what you're doing, and make a thoughtful decision will build your capacity for self-control in all types of situations.

Of course, these techniques that can improve your discipline require, well, discipline.  “It’s just like practicing anything, really – it’s hard at first,” Denson conceded.  But “if you practice over the long term, your self-control capacity gets stronger over time.”  And as the Conflict Center teaches again and again and again to thousands of program participants every year, developing skills that promote a more peaceful world are worth the effort.

________
Denson, T. F., DeWall, C. N., & Finkel, E. J. 2012. Self-control and aggression. Current Directions in Psychological Science.
http://www.psychexperiment.net/denson/Denson,%20DeWall,%20&%20Finkel%20(in%20press,%20CDir).pdf

As The Conflict Center’s interim Volunteer & Intern Manager, I was surprised and delighted to discover that April is Volunteer Appreciation month, a time that nonprofits all over the United States pause to express their appreciation for the efforts of volunteers.

In 2011, The Conflict Center served 7,628 youth and adults across the Denver metro area, including over 6,500 youth in 13 schools, providing a total of 2,575 hours of service. Staff and contractor hours represent just 31% of the service hours delivered in 2011. So who stepped up to deliver the rest? That’s right: volunteers. In 2011, an astonishing 69% of service hours were provided by volunteers and interns. If not for our volunteers The Conflict Center would have provided less than a third of the services that we delivered last year.

That’s huge! Volunteers are the lifeblood of our organization, and at The Conflict Center volunteers are a priceless resource. They serve as classroom instructors, read to children through the Reading for Peace program, help with fundraising, special events, marketing, and general office support. There are numerous ways that volunteers can and do strengthen our organization.

Independent Sector, an agency committed to supporting nonprofits and advancing the public good, calculates the average value of volunteer hours in the US each year, and they report that each hour of time volunteered to support a nonprofit’s mission is worth $21.36. So in 2011, the 8,273.25 hours worked by our dedicated and generous volunteers at the Conflict Center were valued at $176,717.

That is such a tremendous gift, particularly in these continued difficult economic times. I can say without a doubt that it is our volunteers, supported by interns from a variety of undergraduate and graduate programs, who have enabled us to continue providing violence prevention and conflict management skill-building services to our community in our ongoing effort to increase the peace.

From the bottom of my heart I want to say thank you to our volunteers, because if it wasn’t for you The Conflict Center wouldn’t be what it is today, and what it can be tomorrow with your continued assistance.

And as the Volunteer & Intern Manager, I want you to know that my door is always open and I would love to hear your ideas and feedback about how we can strengthen the volunteer program in particular and the organization overall, and work together to move The Conflict Center forward in pursuit of its mission of peacemaking.

Thank you for making a difference.

Started in 1986, Community Shares is celebrating its 25th Anniversary. Community Shares raised $1.6 million dollars last year for more than 100 Colorado nonprofit organizations. According to the Center on Philanthropy, workplace giving campaigns are the most cost efficient method of raising charitable dollars. Year-round giving through payroll contributions provides charities with a steady flow of dollars to support many important programs and services.

Although we enjoyed a long history of partnership with Mile High United Way, recent revisions to their funding priorities changed our status so The Conflict Center decided to pursue active membership with Community Shares. Through Community Shares, the majority of workplace giving is done through designations to specific agencies. Community Shares has no minimum donation amount and encourages each donor to choose the nonprofit(s) to receive their gifts.

We ask that any of our supporters who participate in workplace giving campaigns, either through Community Shares, United Way or other federations, designate their payroll gifts to The Conflict Center. Or if you wish to start a payroll giving campaign at your workplace contact Community Shares. A paycheck contribution of only $1 a day or $5 each work week adds up to a $260 annual donation! By designating your pledge of $1 a day you will help The Conflict Center continue to wage peace in schools, organizations, families and communities.

For more information about Community Shares visit their website at www.cshares.org.

As the New Year starts many of us make promises to others and ourselves for improving our lives. This year why not make a resolution to improve your relationships.

Hello, meet Your Brain! In recent years, there have been amazing discoveries about the human brain. We are used to thinking that the brain leads and we follow. Scientists have been studying how the brain works among different groups of people including persons with brain injury, meditating Buddhist monks, and ordinary people who are just trying to change a behavior or learn a new skill. At the most general level, the scientific studies reveal that the brain is much more changeable than previously thought. This concept of the brain being changeable (or “plastic”) is called neuroplasticity. In the past, scientific dogma held that, after a critical period in early childhood, the structure and function of the brain was mostly immutable. These more recent findings reveal that many aspects of the brain remain plastic even well into adulthood, as a result of input from the environment.   For example, areas of the brain involved in certain activities will become more active or enlarged the more that activity is performed— or even thought about! Two particular activities illustrate this—playing a sport or a musical instrument. One exciting implication of brain plasticity is that initiating these changes can be intentional and self-directed, since we make choices as to what activities we pursue or what behavior we may want to change. Using sports again as the example, professional athletes engage in “mental rehearsal” of their plays prior to games as a means of increasing performance. It is known that the more attention you give to an existing idea or behavior, the less likely it is to change. But if you want to change an idea or a behavior, the more attention you give the new behavior, the more likely it is to change and become habit. For behavior change, what this means is you get much more bang for your buck by directing your focus to the behavior you want to acquire, rather than focusing on what you want to stop doing. For example, if you want to stop smoking, it is much more effective to focus on becoming a non-smoking individual, than to focus on stopping smoking. The latter keeps the brain busy trying to stop something, when you could have all that brain energy to help identify where you’re trying to get to and how to get there (e.g., what steps could you take in the direction of becoming a non-smoking individual). It’s like the old example of someone telling you “Don’t think of an elephant.”   Try it some time. So, it turns out that your brain is not the boss of you. In fact, if you lead, your brain will follow.