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The Conflict Center

The Conflict Center equips people with practical skills to navigate, transform and embrace everyday conflict.

The Power of Both/And

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A few years ago, one of our former colleagues, Rachel, relayed a conversation she’d had with her mom. They were discussing a problem with multiple perspectives, and she told her mom, “It’s a both/and situation.” Her mom said, “A what?”  Rachel replied, “You know, it’s a both/and.”  Rachel’s mom didn’t know – she hadn’t heard the term before. And so Rachel and her mom had a conversation about what it meant.

TCC staff laughed as Rachel recounted the conversation, because at The Conflict Center, we use the phrase “both/and” a lot. Sometimes I get teased for how often I invoke the power of the “and.”  The fact is, we know it’s a helpful tool in our work. In fact, we find it so helpful that we decided to make it The Conflict Center’s theme for 2025.  

So, if you’re like Rachel’s mom, you might be wondering, What the heck is both/and?

Good question. 

Both/and is a reminder that multiple things can be true at the same time. For instance, more than one perspective of a situation can be true.  Or you personally can feel multiple emotions at one time.  Examples of both/and include: 

  • You can love your job and wish you had more time with family. 
  • Two people can experience the same situation and have very different perspectives and reactions to it.
  • When a loved one dies from cancer, you can feel grief, relief and anger at the same time. 
  • You can read a news report and feel both enraged and numb.
  • A leader of a company can be optimistic about opportunities in the future and realistic about current finances that result in cost-cutting. 
  • You can love a family member and be really angry with them for how they voted. 
  • In an argument, you can notice your initial frustration with someone and recognize that they have a good point.  

The reality is that most people love a good “either/or” where there’s only one truth or only one person is right. It certainly can feel simpler. Yet either/or keeps us from understanding other people’s experiences and perspectives, recognizing that ours is only one way of viewing the world, and analyzing a problem for multiple solutions. 

At The Conflict Center, we know that both/and is an important tool in conflict management. It allows us to honor different perspectives and problem-solve, rather than be stuck in the cycle of blame. Our Restorative Denver program is a perfect example of both/and in action. Folks that are referred from the Denver DA’s Office have been charged and have already agreed to take responsibility for their actions. Restorative Denver both holds the person accountable for the harm they caused and recognizes the human experience, knowing that one incident doesn’t define someone as a whole person. Restorative Denver also gives space for the complexities of a situation, recognizing that harm occurs to the victim, and also to the community, and even the person responsible – all at the same time. This allows the person who caused harmed the opportunity to repair the harms to everyone who was impacted and learn from the experience to prevent it from happening again, providing healing to all. 

Both/and may feel counter to how society typically addresses conflict. According to “Psychology Today,” research in social psychology tells us that humans are motivated to reduce cognitive dissonance, a state of holding seemingly contradictory beliefs. It may be more familiar to see the world through a lens of polar opposites rather than the complexity of paradox. Thus, news media typically offer pundits who represent two sides of an issue, presenting an either/or to any number of societal concerns.  And social media comment threads typically don’t allow any room for nuance or validity of multiple perspectives. The power in both/and is that it asks us to consider a different way forward with more nuance and the recognition of tensions that need to be addressed.   

The Conflict Center offers many skills that help build our ability to engage in both/and, by exploring conflict and our role in it and holding space for increased understanding:

  • To understand that disagreement and everyday conflict can be opportunities to solve problems and build relationships. 
  • To foster school and work environments that value the importance of addressing challenges through authentic sharing and building understanding. 
  • To explore the skills for healthy relationships of all kinds to recognize that the presence of conflict does not have to be a negative experience. 
  • To build accountability models that center each person’s humanity. 

With all that is going on in our world today, The Conflict Center believes that the tools to handle complexity and nuance, engage with others authentically, and hold the power of both/and are more important than ever.  Join us this year as we embrace both/and. 

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